It seems at least 5 of my “friends” had a “siiiiicckkkkkkk chest workout” tonight. Great, it must be Monday, I don’t give shit.
S&M party pictures are up. Why is everyone so god damn ugly and why are all the guys so god damn small? A JP party really ain’t what it used to be.
242 of my friends changed their default photo. Of the 16 shown, not one is wearing a shirt (12 male, 4 female). Of the 12 shirtless men, I would have rather not seen 4 in anything sleeveless. Of the 8 hot shirtless men, 2 were gay. Of the 6 straight, hot, shirtless men, 3 had faces only a mother could love, 2 resided over 500 miles away and 1 I had already... had. *sigh*
1. The fact that 34 guys on Facebook “like” a picture of you posing in front of your bathroom mirror in underwear does not actually make you hot.
2. Throwing yourself at each and every guy you find attractive on facebook, finding one that tells you you’re hot, then throwing yourself into his bed does not constitute “dating”. He was bored/horny, you were convenient, you have no grounds to cry that he’s commenting on some other girl’s pics the day after.
3. If you feel the need to “mark your territory”... it ain’t your territory. Letting his 3 thousand friends know that his cock was in your mouth that very morning does not make him your man, it makes you a notch on his bedpost. Stop advertising yourself as a cumdumpster, it’s pathetic to watch.
4. I get it. Women are incapable of making their own decisions. Something is only beautiful if others think it’s beautiful and a guy is only a “catch” if other girls want him... yadda yadda yadda.... you fucking look like snooki and your “boyfriend” is cheating on you left and right. Grow a brain. Get out of the tanning bed. Stop using a sharpie for eyeliner. Get rid of any guy who makes you wonder if you mean anything to him at all. read more »
While attemting to figure out my needs (with the help of google), I came across this clip: pretty accurate representation of a good portion of my years of therapy. Awesomeness.
“Katie I just need you to look at this picture and tell me what you see“
“A Penis.“
“How about this one?“
“A crooked penis“
“What about this one?“
“A wiggly penis“
“Ok... what about this one?“
“A cock.”
Half the time you really have no idea what you need... so to spare yourself the thought process, might as well rely on Google to tell you... go to Google and enter your name and the word “needs” [i.e. Katie needs] . Click search. Record the first 10 results. Voilà.
Katie needs a psychologist.
Katie needs to smile.
All Katie needs is love.
Katie needs IV fluids.
Katie needs hula lessons.
Katie needs your help.
Katie needs a shrink.Which we won’t count since it’s a redundancy.
Katie needs Facebook.
Katie needs to work on her posture.
Katie needs some caffeine.
Katie needs the cash.
Will not dispute most of the list. Did not take my meds this morning so could def use the caffeine... maybe even the IV fluids... iffy on the Hula, though I almost took a ballet class the other day... and the Facebook thing... well... for networking purposes... might just not be that bad of an idea.
...perfect example of the average adult’s lack of basic arithmetic proficiency, as some lady tries to justify her cart full of soda bottles as one item... I count at least twenty. The half-asleep clerk does not “count” at all... and rather than count the bottles and key in the quantity and scan one item* proceeds to scan each of the 2 liter Mountain Dew bottles individually. FML.
Lessons Learned:
The express lane is always staffed by the least competent cashier with lacking arithmetic skills and slothlike tempo... A predicament that results in the “express” lane being the most time consuming (at least at 7:30am).
The lady that is holding one item and a stack of coupons does not realize that none of the coupons are for the item she has selected. The cashier will point this out. A small argument will follow. A manager will be read more »
[MR. &MRS. VUITTON]
The people slowly walking on the treadmill in their Prada sneakers, Dolce sweatsuits with Gucci shades perched atop their heads.... in mid-December. Usually these individuals come in sets of two since they come to the gym to show off their new kicks and watches or when they’re simply bored rather than for any fitness value. Males have been spotted attired in loafers and dress slacks. *sigh*
Annoyance Factor: 1
[THESHEMAN]
The potential lesbian that resembles a man from every angle, and one you thought was a man until seeing him her topless bottomless in the ladies locker room.
Annoyance Factor: 2 (only because I have no idea how to respond) read more »
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total — 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that’s 91.8 million homes. One presumes there’s at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). read more »
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II...
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the United States of America and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. read more »
[THEBINDERGUY]
Could not think of a more creative name for this man, sorry. I have a training journal, this man carries around a thick 3-ring binder with plotted graphs of all his lifts over (possibly) the last decade, as well as any weird exercises he chooses to perform. The remaining contents of said binder remain a mystery, since coming near him to check it out kinda freaks me out. Go ahead, put your numbers into excel when you get home, but you don’t need to carry the entire presentation with you to the gym!
Annoyance Factor: 1
[THEDESTITUTE]
He is probably not, but since it seems he only owns one outfit (which he trains in daily) makes me conclude that he is a. poor, b. lazy, c. a man of poor hygiene, but most likely d. all of the above.
Annoyance Factor: 2 read more »
[THEDIVA]
Male of female that is totally in love with him or herself. Spends most of the time in front of a mirror, flexing or checking out gluteal region. Often disrobes for an audience or remains attired in dental floss while prancing around the building and working on “posing”. Distracting since you can’t help but look... since it’s kinda hot.
Annoyance Factor: 1 (since it adds to the ambiance)
[TIGHT-PANTS]
A DUDE who wants there to be ABSOLUTELY no confusion about his gender. Usually found on a stationary bike or in the spin class, easy to spot since he will usually wear ridiculously bright colors.
Annoyance Factor: 2 read more »
I’ve read this over and over, year after year, and each year I google it and read it again, kinda silly for a person who absolutely hates the holidays....
The Politically Correct 12 Days of Christmas
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, read more »
Mood : Ecfuckingstatic 
1. The fact that 34 guys on Facebook “like” a picture of you posing in front of your bathroom mirror in underwear does not actually make you hot.
Half the time you really have no idea what you need... so to spare yourself the thought process, might as well rely on Google to tell you... go to Google and enter your name and the word “needs” [i.e. Katie needs] . Click search. Record the first 10 results. Voilà.
...perfect example of the average adult’s lack of basic arithmetic proficiency, as some lady tries to justify her cart full of soda bottles as one item... I count at least twenty. The half-asleep clerk does not “count” at all... and rather than count the bottles and key in the quantity and scan one item* proceeds to scan each of the 2 liter Mountain Dew bottles individually. 
[
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth 
I’ve read this over and over, year after year, and each year I google it and read it again, kinda silly for a person who absolutely hates the holidays....